I just had to get this out of my head.

[sams1ra]

This episode just hurt me so much. Not personally or anything, just... *points to icon*
This whole season, it's been just one low blow after the other, and just... Ow.

I have this whole John and Dean thing where they get to talk after John died. It usually happens after Show tosses another ginormous low blow Dean's way. I usually ignore them or write them down in my 'never going to get written' bunny list, but this just hurt too much.

This one isn't really going anywhere. It's dark, it's all over the place, and the ending is... bad. It's not edited, hell, it's not even a story, just the dialogue. That's why I don't even bother posting it anywhere but here. And I wouldn't even post it here if it weren't for my own issues with writing. So here goes.

Disclaimer - Supernatural and its characters do not belong to me.
Warnings - Spoilers for 4.19.

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"Dean."

"Seriously?"

"Son-"

"Seriously? You? They dragged you here?"

"We need to talk, Dean."

"Yeah, I don’t think so."

"Dean, you have to stop this. You have to man up. You have a job to do. You gotta take care of Sammy, remember?"

"Oh, that's just… Go away Dad, alright? Just go away."

"Listen, I know things haven’t exactly been lollipops and candy canes lately, but-"

"Oh, really? You know that, do you?"

"You watch that tone with me, boy."

"Or what? Huh, Dad? Or what? You'll leave? You're already dead, remember?"

"Yeah. Yes, I remember. I remember dying for you. To save you."

"Oh, really?"

"What's that suppose to mean?"

"Oh, come on. Let's face it Dad, you didn’t do this for me. You never… This wasn’t for me."

"Excuse me?"

"You chickened out. You made a mess, and like always, you left it to me to clean it up."

"You're pushing it!"

"I was dead. I was practically gone, moved on, and you went and dragged me back to fix things. Because you couldn’t handle it."

"I'm warning you –"

"The demons and shit you could handle, no question. But Sam? You couldn’t handle him. You never could. And back then, he still gave a damn about me. Back then… Man, he would have blamed it all on you, and you knew it. And you knew about the demon blood. You knew what was going to happen, and you needed to control him, and you knew you couldn’t. And say what you will, you couldn’t have killed him. Not him. Not Sam. So you took the easy way."

"Really? Going to Hell? That's the easy way?"

"…"

"You done now?"

"I'm done listening to you."

"No, you're not. Time's running out, Dean."

"You have no right, Dad. Not you."

"I thought we were done with that."

"You had another kid? I mean, forget about that storage unit in Black Rock. Forget about the Roadhouse and all that other shit you kept from us, kept from me. But you had another kid?"

"Dean –"

"You took him to a baseball game. You went fishing with him. You gave him normal. Sam walked out on us because you wouldn’t give us that, and then you… You walked out on me, and gave him normal? You left me to fend for myself, and you…"

"You could handle it. I trusted you."

"Bulshit."

"Dean,"

"You never trusted me, Dad. Never. So don’t go trying to sell me some shit about you trusting me."

"What do you want from me, Dean? Huh? You want me to say I made mistakes? Fine. I made mistakes. I was no father of the year, don’t you think I know that?"

"No, you knew. You just didn’t care."

"How can you say that? How dare you say that?"

"Sucks hearing the truth, doesn’t it?"

"You listen to me – "

"You know, you were worried about Sam being evil. What with the demon blood and all. Of course, that was a need to know information, so you didn’t bother telling me –"

"I was trying to protect you!"

"But the joke's on you. Because I'm the one who's going to end the world, not Sammy. I was the first seal. I was the one responsible for the apocalypse."

"Dean –"

"I went to Hell for Sam. Because Sam's all I have. Because you made sure Sam is all I'll ever have. And I went to Hell for him. And now this."

"You think that's what I wanted? You think I wanted you to go to Hell? Damn it, Dean!"

"So in a way, it's kind of your fault. You raised me. You made me what I am. I traded myself for Sam because that's what you taught me. You taught him poker and pool, but you taught me to hustle."

"So I had another kid. You're not five years old, Dean. It's not like I married the kid's mom and moved in with them. I stayed with you."

"No you didn’t. You were never there. Not for us. Not for me. Not when it mattered. I did everything for you, I freaking wanted to be you. But I was never good enough."

"That's not true. Dean –"

"Don’t. Whatever it is, I don’t care."

"You need to get over yourself, Dean. You have to step up your game. You have to be careful. The angels are losing. It won't be long before it's up to you to stop it."

"Well. Joke's on them, then. Everyone's going on and on about saving the world, but the longer I'm here, the less I get why the hell it's worth saving."

"Dean –"

"Get out of my head, Dad. Whatever it is you're selling, I just don’t care anymore."

(That's it)

BTW - Did you all notice the slip up with Adam's birth year? At first Sam said 92, then they changed it to 90... *shrugs*

Comments

perfect

[klingoncat.livejournal.com]

says a lot of what I'm feeling about Dean and where he's at as far as John - the one thing that hit me last night that I haven't seen mentioned so far was the bit at the end when Sam says he'll take it as a compliment and Dean takes a really long time to reply - because I'm with you - IT WAS NO COMPLIMENT - basically Dean is reffering to the fact that John lied to them/him for years - and was really calling Sam a liar right to his face and Sam never even got it... the look on Dean's face just killed me. Can hardly wait til he finds out about the blood - because Dean is gonna go ballistic - after Sam whining about how he's cursed with the demon blood for years - when Dean finds out that he's been voluntarely taking more...it's gonna be epic.

Re: perfect

[sams1ra.livejournal.com]

You know, in a way, I don't want him to find out. I really think, in this case, ignorance is bliss, because not only will he go ballistic, but I really think it'll hurt their relationship beyond repair if he found out and wasn't told about it by Sam (in a way of asking for help).

Re: perfect

[klingoncat.livejournal.com]

yeah - that would be better - it's still gonna really hurt Dean but if Sam came to him with it rather than Dean finding out for himself it would be a LOT better for their relationship - but not sure that Sam is gonna go that way - and after the last ep, if Sam lost enough blood he's gonna need a fix soon so it will be a perfect opportunity for Dean to find out, either way. Thursday, where are you when I NEED you???

Re: perfect

[sams1ra.livejournal.com]

Hee. I don't remember who made this icon, but I think you need it! ^__^

[lovebanshee.livejournal.com]

You gave him normal. Sam walked out on us because you wouldn’t give us that, and then you… You walked out on me, and gave him normal?
I can't even articulate how well that fits in with the episode and just... everything. <3 That is one major thing that Dean must have disliked about Adam. You know that Sam is Dean's world and to think that it could have been better for them if they had had a little 'normal' in their lives like Adam did... just, bravo. *claps*

You taught him poker and pool, but you taught me to hustle.
Ooo, OUCH!! I'm sorry, if you were expecting coherent thoughts here, move along. All I've got for this line is Oh, DEAN!

About the ending: Hmm if you're going to say that it's bad, isn't it customary for it to actually be bad? Unless you're some kind of chronic liar or something. Because that up there was most certainly NOT bad and I don't know where you're getting that idea from. :D
It reminded me so much of the end of OTHoaP, where Castiel tells Dean he's the only one that can stop it, and the whole world's on his shoulders, and Dean is just so tired of it all. I swear those were basically his own words: "I just don't care anymore."

*2 thumbs way up over here*

[sams1ra.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the two thumbs up. I'm glad you enjoyed this.
I still think the ending sucks tho... What can I say, "writing is hard..." lol

[lovebanshee.livejournal.com]

"writing is hard..."

*Insert Chuck's sad little woobie face here*
Straight out of the prophet's mouth... ;)

[sams1ra.livejournal.com]

Hee