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sams1raFaded Memories of a Picture Perfect
Title/Series: Part of the Picture Perfect 'verse.
Disclaimer: I own nothing supernatural related. Isn’t that sad?
Rating: PG-13, language.
Category: Gen.
Pairings: None.
Characters: Wee!Dean, baby Sam, John, OCs.
Summery: The first few months following Mary's death.
Comments: Duh.
A/N: Please keep in mind that this story is told mostly from Dean's perspective. You're gonna need a tissue for this one. Don’t say I didn’t warn you… Oh, and they won't ALL be sad, I promise…
Also, this story doesn’t really comply with the timeline as seen in John's journal, and I don’t consider Origins as canon.
Faded Memories of a Picture Perfect
Lawrence, Kansas, 1983
They said it'd take a couple of weeks. They said the mean man really was Daddy, that Daddy was just sad, that he was so sad he must've forgotten what it meant, being a daddy. They said to give him a few days.
So.
Grown ups didn’t know any better than kids. Or they were really stupid. Because it's been weeks and Daddy was still mean and scary.
Dean'd figured out the smell though. Drinking. Grown-Up Juice – that's what Mom's friend had called it. Said it made you do and say stupid and mean things.
Dean couldn’t understand why his Dad would want to drink something that would make him mean and stupid. He'd asked his Dad once. He was never making that mistake again, because Daddy had gone out then, and didn’t come back for three whole days. Dean didn’t ask anything after that, afraid his father would leave again, and this time, won't come back at all.
Dean'd started thinking then. Did he say something to Mommy to make her want to go away and never come back? He must have. Dean didn’t know what it was, but he must have. He tried to apologize, but there was no one to apologize to, because Mommy was gone, and she wasn’t ever coming back.
It's been months now, it was nearly Christmas. Everyone in kindergarten was excited, making Christmas decorations to put on the classroom walls and bring home to their parents, making decorations to put on the tree. But Dean didn’t. He didn’t want it to be Christmas, not without Mommy.
He wanted to write a letter to Santa, asking for his Mommy and Daddy back, but he couldn’t spell most of the words. And it was stupid, anyway. There was no Santa, was there? Dean was a little afraid to ask. Grown ups lie anyway, especially to little kids.
Dean's teacher had called his father three times, wanting to meet and talk to him. Twice John had failed to show up. On the third time, he yelled at Dean's teacher and said a lot of bad words.
Dean didn’t like Ms. Torres anymore after that. He used to love her, but he didn’t anymore. She had made his Dad angry, made his Dad yell and walk away and drink more Grown-Up Juice. And now Daddy might get mad enough to leave.
So he really didn’t like Ms. Torres anymore. He wouldn’t talk to her anymore, wouldn’t participate in class, wouldn’t play with the other kids. He just sat in the corner and drew his pictures. Pictures of fire and darkness. Dean couldn’t afford to make Daddy mad enough to leave. Sammy still needed Daddy.
Sammy was teething and crying and drooling all the time, and he had an ear infection and a fever and really missed Mommy. Dean tried his best to help, to make Sammy stop crying, but he didn’t know how. So sometimes, when Daddy had left them alone in the dark, Dean joined him.
"John, you can't keep doing this. It's not right."
"And Mary dying the way she did, that is?" John looked up from his glass of whiskey, an accusing look in his eyes. Janet sighed, sitting across from the grieving man.
"It wasn’t your fault Mary died, John." She said, "And it sure as hell wasn’t the boys' fault." She added pointedly. John just glared at her. "John," Janet sighed, "I know it's sometime between New Years' and Valentines', but I don’t remember, and he wouldn’t tell me." She said, frustrated.
"Then why can't you leave it the hell alone?" John snapped.
"Because I can't, John! Because it's his birthday, and he's five, and he just lost his mother and his home! Because he's small and he's scared and he deserves to have this!" Janet snapped back. "His teacher called here more than a dozen times. He needs help, John!"
"He's fine." John snapped again, finishing his drink and reaching for the bottle again, but Janet snatched it away.
"No. No, he's not fine! He can't be fine when he doesn’t even open his Christmas presents. He can't be fine when he doesn’t talk, and he sure as hell isn't fine when he doesn’t want to celebrate his own birthday!"
"He'll be fine." John said gruffly, reaching for the bottle of Jack again. "He just needs more time…"
"Goddamn it, John!" Janet pounded her fist against the table, rising her voice. "The boy needs help! Professional help! Can't you see that?" she demanded. John poured himself another four fingers of Jack, swishing it around in the glass, saying nothing. Janet stared at him for a long time before she added, "And I think you need some help, too."
"Don’t you tell me what I need!" John snapped, anger rising faster than his voice, "Don’t you tell me how to raise my boys, Janet! Don’t you dare! They're my boys! Mine and Mary's!"
"Fine." Janet said tersely. "Then you raise them. You go out and get back to work. Start working on your house. Deal with your boys. They just lost their mother, they need their father!"
"You don’t know!" John snapped, "You don’t know anything about my boys, or me, or Mary. So don’t you dare! Don’t you dare!"
"Fine." Janet narrowed her eyes. "I tried to help you, John. God knows, I tried. For Mary and the boys, I tried. But I can't do it anymore, John. I can't help you. You need to leave." She said, taking a deep breath and pushing herself away from the table. "Thank God Mary can't see you now. She would've rolled over in her grave if she had one."
They were living with Daddy's friends now. With Mike, from Dad's garage, and his wife Kate. They had two kids, two boys, but they were older. The youngest was ten, and didn’t want to play with the 'babies'. Which was fine by Dean. He didn’t want to play anyway.
All Dean wanted to do was sit with Sammy, take care of him, because someone had to. Sammy was still just a baby, he needed someone to take care of him.
Kate threw him a birthday party, with streamers and balloons and a cake. She even got him a present, but he didn’t take it. All he took was a piece of cake he shared with Sammy.
Sammy really liked the cake, kept asking for more. He seemed really happy, and Dean thought it was just wrong. Sammy shouldn’t be this happy with the cake when Mommy wasn’t there. He knew Sam was only a baby, but he was still a little angry at his brother, so he left him with Kate and went back to the guest bedroom, closing the door behind him and hiding behind the bed.
Daddy wouldn’t even look at him when he got back, which was kind of okay, because Daddy smelled of Grown Up Juice, and Dean didn’t really want the mean man to come out today. At night, he scooted nearer Sammy, and wished he could have Mommy for his birthday. But he had forgotten to blow the candles out on his cake. He shouldn’t have forgotten. Now his wish won't come true. Now Mommy won't come back, and it was all his fault.
He hugged Sammy a little tighter, and hoped he won't wake Sam up with his crying.
The day with the hearts and flowers was difficult for Daddy.
Dean remembered last year, they had Mrs. Ernestine baby-sit him while Mommy and Daddy went out to celebrate. They were really happy. He remembered asking to come along, but they said it's something for grown ups. Dean had argued that they were taking the baby, too, so he should come. He remembered Mommy laughing and kissing him, and saying she'd tell the baby to stay home with Dean and Mrs. Ernestine, but the baby was still in her belly, so he had to go wherever she was going. She promised to cover his eyes the whole time, though, so Dean wouldn’t feel like he was the only one missing out on the fun. Mommy was cool that way.
A few days later, Daddy came to pick Dean up from pre-school. Dean hesitated, a little surprised. Daddy hadn’t come to pick him up from school ever since Mommy went away.
And Daddy was smiling. It wasn’t the way he usually smiled, but he was smiling. Sammy was twisting in his hands, excited, and started bubbling in baby talk. Dean headed over to them slowly, still not sure he wasn’t dreaming. But he wasn’t.
Daddy crouched, smiling at him. "Hey, buddy, how was your day?" Daddy asked. Dean gave a slight, hesitant nod. Daddy got back to his feet and took Dean's hand. They walked over to Dad's car and Dean held Sam tight to make sure he didn’t crawl away.
Sammy was happy today. He kept twisting in Dean's hands, trying to grab Dean's nose and tickling him, talking baby talk and blowing spit bubbles.
Dean looked questioningly at his father when the car stopped and it wasn’t Jake and Kate's house. His eyes widened in alarm. Was Daddy leaving him behind? Did he do something wrong? He didn’t mean to, honest, he'll be good. Daddy, please don’t leave…
John got out of the car and Dean was beginning to panic. John circled the car, coming to the passenger side and opening the door, taking the baby from Dean. Dean was shaking now, fighting back his tears, because Daddy got angry when he cried.
"Come on, kiddo." Daddy said, reaching his hand to help Dean out. Dean hesitated, but Daddy smiled again, so he got out. Daddy wasn’t mad, he was smiling.
It took Dean a few moments to recognize the park. It's been a while since he'd last been here, since Mommy and Daddy took him here.
Sammy was squealing. He was hungry, and John gave him a soft cracker to gum on, before returning his attention back to his oldest. "What do you say, soldier? What do you want to attack first?" his father asked with a smile, crouching beside him. "How 'bout the slides?" John suggested.
Dean frowned, looking from his father to the slides and back, shaking his head, not really sure what was going on, still unsure if it were all a trick to leave him behind.
"No? Well, what about the monkey bars? You love the monkey bars." Dad suggested, jutting his chin towards the monkey bars and the sounds of kids' laughter as they ran around the park. Dean hesitated. He did love the monkey bars. He used to love the way his Mommy used to laugh and tease him about climbing them. But Mommy was gone. Dean shook his head.
Dad balanced Sam over his hip, handing the baby his water bottle. "You sure?" Dad asked, but Dean didn’t answer. John sighed. "Maybe the swings? Huh? How 'bout that? You wanna go swing a little?" Dad had offered, "Sammy and I can push you. Or you can use that one," John pointed, "and then I can put Sammy on the baby swing. What do you say, tiger? You want to swing with Sammy?" but Dean didn’t answer. Didn’t understand what was going on, why Daddy was being so… normal. Was it a trick? Didn’t Daddy realize Dean didn’t want to play anymore?
John sighed, looking around the park. A few of Dean's school friends were playingin a nearby sandbox. He barely recognized them. It was Mary that was in charge of Dean's play dates, of keeping track of his friends. But he recognized these kids. Remembered Dean used to beg them to take him to the park and play with his little friends, used to talk about them all the time. Back when he was still talking.
Everyone told him Dean had stopped talking. Funny, he never really noticed it. The boy was quiet, though, and Dean, you could say many things about Dean, but quiet wasn’t one of them. Not unless he was asleep. And even that wasn't guaranteed.
John had to grab a squirmy Sam as the baby tried to jump out of his hands, reaching for his brother.
"Hey, look," John pointed at the kids playing in the sandbox. "You want to go play with them? It's okay if you just want to do your thing, I'll understand if you don’t want me there, cramping your style. What do you say?" Dad asked, and Dean's eyes widened in fear. Dad was trying to trick him, trying to leave him behind. Dean grabbed onto the older man's pant leg. He won't let Daddy go away, he won't. "Come on." Dad said, and they all walked over to Dean's friends.
"Here, you can play with your buddies. I'll be over there with the other parents, okay?" Dad asked, and Dean narrowed his eyes. He didn’t believe Daddy. Daddy hated being with the other parents. He didn’t used to, but ever since Mom went away, he wouldn’t even talk to other parents. Just drank Grown Up Juice. He was going to leave, and Dean wasn’t going to be left behind. Not this time.
"Oh, come on, Dean. I'll be right over there!" Dad snapped. He was getting angry. He wanted to leave, and Dean wouldn’t let him, so he was getting angry. Dean didn’t care, not this time. Daddy wasn’t leaving him, and that was that.
Daddy tried to trick him a few more times, but Dean wasn’t fooled. Finally, Daddy just marched him back to the car, put Sammy back in his arms and drove back to Mike's place. He was angry, Dean could tell, because he was clenching his jaw and holding the wheel too tight and not looking at him. He even put on some loud music so he wouldn’t have to listen to Dean if Dean had said something. But it didn’t matter. He hadn’t left Dean alone. He hadn’t went away, and that was all that mattered. Just to make sure, though, Dean blinked extra hard, keeping the tears away. Daddy said not to cry, and Daddy was angry enough.
"You know, I don’t get you." Daddy had said as he pulled the car over at the curb next to Mike's house. "You love that park. You used to beg me to take you. You'd talk about it for hours and hours. And now I'm taking you, and this is how you act?"
Yes, Dad was angry. Very angry. Dean bit the tears back, looking away, because one still managed to slip free. He quickly brushed it away. Luckily, Sam was startled by Dad's tone and started crying, so Dad didn’t' notice Dean crying. He just snatched Sam out of Dean's hands and got out of the car, Dean in toe.
Daddy drank Grown Up Juice after that, so Dean got in the shower by himself. He went straight to bed after that, even though Kate had called him for dinner. He wasn’t hungry. And he didn’t want to see the mean man inside his Dad.
At least no one cared if he cried under the covers as long as he was quiet. Dean heard shouting from below and knew the mean man was back. Sam started to cry, and soon Jake brought him over to the crib. Dean pretended to be asleep just long enough for Jake to leave, before climbing in the crib with his brother.
Sam's lower lip was sticking out. He was still sad, still wanted to cry. Dean shifted over and found the blue stuffed bunny Sam had gotten for Christmas. Sam loved his toy and his face lit up when he saw it, tiny hands reaching for it, tiny legs kicking Dean.
Dean gave him the toy and settled back to watch as his brother alternated between putting it in his mouth and waving it around, babbling contentedly.
Dean was doing his best not to listen to the shouting from below. They'll be leaving soon. Daddy was yelling at Mom's friend, too, just before they left. Dean held onto Sam, trying to protect him from the yelling, but Sam didn’t seem to care. All he cared about was that stupid bunny.
Dean didn’t realize the shouting was over until the bedroom door opened and Daddy walked in. Dean held his breath. Daddy got angry when he saw Dean in Sammy's crib. He had told Dean not to get in there, and got angry when Dean didn’t listen. He always made Dean climb out, saying he was too big for the crib, and then Dean had to wait until Daddy was asleep before he climbed back. Someone had to make sure Sammy didn’t go away. That Sammy was safe. Because maybe, there weren’t any angels. Or maybe, there just weren’t enough angels to watch over them all. And someone had to look after Sammy, because, Dean figured, if he was scared, Sammy must be even more scared. He was just a baby after all.
Dean watched Daddy with wide eyes, heart beating fast. He didn’t want to go back to his bed. He wanted to stay with Sammy.
John closed the door behind him, keeping the light turned off, and leaned against the door for a long moment, not even looking at the boys. He let out a sigh before turning back and looking at the crib, finding both his sons there, as usual. He rolled his eyes. Dean knew what was coming next. He braced himself, holding onto Sammy just a little tighter.
But Daddy didn’t yell. He just walked over and sat on the bed as close to the crib as possible, watching Dean and Sammy without saying anything, reaching his hand in between the bars and stroking Sam's soft baby hair. Sammy waved his bunny in his hand, chewing on its ear and looking around with interest.
And then Daddy hid his face in his hands for a long moment, before running his hands through his hair. He gave them a small smile, reaching a hand for Sammy to grab and bite. Daddy didn’t seem like he was expecting it, because he snatched his hand away and said a bad word. He really should have known, Dean though, Sammy was biting everything these days, and he had had the marks to prove it. All of three teeth, but they were still sharp. And Sammy seemed amused. He looked at Dean and smiled, squealing, before hitting Dean with the bunny and then waving it around again.
And Dad laughed.
Dean froze.
He hadn’t heard Dad laugh since… since Before.
"Come on, kiddo. You know the rules." Daddy said, and lifted Dean off the crib, putting him next to him on the bed. But before Dean was even settled, Dad had reached again and took Sammy out, too. Daddy leaned against the headboard, Sammy on his chest, and pulled Dean closer.
Dean's heart was racing faster than the thoughts in his head. He looked uncertainly at his father and the older man offered him a sad smile.
"He's growing up really fast, isn’t he?" Daddy asked, and Dean nodded lightly. There was a long moment of silence, broken only by Sammy's babbling, before Daddy pulled Dean even closer, and Dean burrowed into his side. "I'm sorry, kiddo." Daddy said in a sad voice, and Dean looked up at him.
Dad wrapped an arm around him, holding him tight, and Dean nearly started crying, he'd missed it so much.
"I'm so sorry, kiddo." Daddy said again, but this time his voice was hoarse, and when Dean looked up, Daddy was crying. Daddy was crying.
"You boys… I love you boys, you know that, right?" Daddy asked, and Dean didn’t answer, but this time it was because he couldn’t. There was this huge lump of tears stuck in his throat. Tears spilled from his eyes, but that was okay, because Daddy was crying, too. "You boys are all I have left now." Daddy went on, "You're all I have left, and I'm not gonna let anyone take you away."
And at that, Dean could no longer hold the tears away, but that was okay, because Daddy wasn’t leaving him behind. Daddy was holding him closer. Daddy was staying.
"You hear me? No one's gonna take you away from me, I promise you that." Dad said in a shaky, hoarse voice. He kissed Sammy's head, held Dean tighter.
"I know you miss your Mommy. I miss her, too. God, I miss her." Daddy said, "And she's not here anymore to tell me when I'm acting stupid. She's not here anymore to tell me I'm making a mistake, because I did." He was looking at Dean now, "I made a mistake, kiddo, I got lost and I'm so sorry." He said, a hitch in his voice. Dean didn't really understand how Daddy had gotten lost when he was right there, but Daddy kept talking. "But no one's taking you away from me, I promise, okay?" Dean just burrowed closer and Dad hugged him tight. "I know I made a mistake, Dean, and I'm sorry. You think you can give your old man a second chance?"
Dean looked up then, nodding lightly, and Dad pulled him a little higher, so he could get closer.
"So you have to talk to me, kiddo." Dad went on, and Dean frowned. "I know it's hard, I know it hurts, but you gotta talk to me, okay?" and Dean tried, he really did, but the lump of tears in his throat wouldn’t let him. "You have to, Dean. You have to remind me that I still have you and Sammy. You have to talk to me so that if I get lost again, I'll remember how to come back, okay?" And this time Dean could tell Daddy wasn’t really expecting him to answer. He could tell because of the way Daddy was holding him, like he used to hold him, Before.
Dean nodded. He could do that, he could help Daddy find the way if Daddy got lost. Daddy had taught him all those soldiery things, and Dean could learn more, would learn more, if it meant he could help Daddy stay Daddy, and not be the mean man who drank Grown-Up Juice.
"You want to sleep here with me tonight, tiger?" Daddy asked, and before Dean had had the chance to answer, Daddy shifted a little, putting Sam down between them. "How 'bout it? All of us, together. Would you like that?" Daddy asked, and Dean nodded quickly. Daddy smiled at him, wiping his face and brushing his thumb over Dean's face, wiping away the tears. "Good boy." He said. "Good boy." and he kissed the top of Dean's head.
They did leave Mike and Kate's a few days after that, left school and Lawrence and Kansas altogether.
But it wasn’t so bad.
Because Daddy was with them, and Daddy wasn’t going away.
The End
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-22 06:36 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-22 09:30 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-22 04:55 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-25 03:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-22 09:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-25 03:14 pm (UTC)Glad you liked it. Thanks for reading.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-23 03:57 am (UTC)Wow. Just Wow. With a capital W. That was fantastic.
I loved how detailed this was, and how you wrote everyone's emotions. Everything seemed so real and the way it was written made the reader really feel for the characters.
In the beginning [part 1], I didn't really like how John was drunk, but the way you explained everything throughout the rest of the story was definitely realistic and really made sense, which made me change my mind. I can totally see now how John would do that, trying to numb the pain but just making everything worse.
I loved that ending scene the best with John all back to normal again and apologizing to the boys. Dean's surprise and fear was heartbreaking and John's words were really touching.
One of my favorite lines:
"You have to, Dean. You have to remind me that I still have you and Sammy. You have to talk to me so that if I get lost again, I'll remember how to come back, okay?"
So in-character for John, and seriously, if anything or anyone could get him out of the hole he buried himself in, it would be his boys.
Anyway, awesome job! I can't wait for the next part! =)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-25 03:17 pm (UTC)I'm glad you changed your mind about John. I really think of him as a victim in all this. A man in desperate need of a woman's touch to keep him grounded, and that touch was taken from him.
I sort of hope this explains at least a little why Dean is the way he is, and why his relationship with his father is such a strong one, as oppose to the Sam-John relationship.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-09-05 09:47 pm (UTC)I am new to Supernatural fanfic, but I do love 'wee' stories - in all the fandoms I read. I am slowly working my way through all the stories I can find here - hopefully there are more that will tug (or yank) my heartstrings as this one did. skillfully written - not overtly dramatic, not over-the-top, just softly done, quietly building up to the realization that Dad was still dad.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-09-06 05:08 am (UTC)